30 Things That Aurors Shouldn't Do
by Jesse A. Harper
Summary: Whoever said that Aurors were sane? Set during the Marauder's Era. " 7. Threatening the werewolves with a visit to the vet for the ‘big snip’ is just cruel."


**30 Things That Aurors Shouldn't Do**

1. Do not start a pub brawl in a Muggle pub with a suspected Death Eater. Even if he is flirting with your girlfriend.

2. Not only is mooning someone frowned upon in most polite societies, but it is also equivalent to a death wish when used on Voldemort or one of his followers.

3. While any information against You-Know-Who is welcomed, sleeping with one of his lieutenants in order to gain it is not only incredibly dangerous, but quite frankly, very disturbing as well.

4. _Supernatural_ episodes do not qualify as training videos.

5. We all know that Fudge is an idiot. Do not enchant his paperwork to double every hour, even if it does make you feel better, because that usually results in him complaining non-stop to everyone within hearing range about 'assassination attempts'.

6. Do not call the new recruits 'cannon fodder'. Or 'human shields'. They're already jumpy enough as it is.

7. Threatening the werewolves with a visit to the vet for the 'big snip' is just cruel.

8. The Dark Mark is not to be referred to as 'Voldemort snogging a snake'. While vastly amusing for the new recruits, it also confuses them into thinking that they can possibly blackmail You-Know-Who.

9. Muggle firearms are not appropriate for raids. You have wands for a reason people. Use them.

10. Do not threaten Death Eaters with your 'Dalek army'. They won't get the _Doctor Who_ reference.

11. Ladies, please do not use a castration spell on Death Eaters when dueling them. While it does make them stop fighting almost immediately, it's starting to creep out your male co-workers, and the continuous requests for the Dementor's Kiss from the ones now in Azkaban are getting annoying.

12. Throwing dog treats at werewolves is not an appropriate way to subdue them.

13. You do not need theme music when going out to fight Death Eaters, especially Bon Jovi's _Dead or Alive_.

14. For the sake of our own mental well-being, please do not shout out "Hey Bellatrix, what's Voldemort like in the sack?!" during a fight. There is now talk of adding on a Psychology branch to the Auror department in order to deal with all of the mental scarring.

15. Singing the overture from '_Phantom of the Opera_' after sighting a Death Eater is not a good idea.

16. While entertaining, selling tickets to you coworkers to watch a catfight between your girlfriend and your psychotic Death-Eater cousin is not appropriate.

17. While the Muggle Renaissance Fair ditty 'We eat for free, we don't pay rent, most of us were accidents' is fairly amusing, enchanting a stuffed animal to go up in front of Voldemort and sing it to him and then ask if he was an accident while in the middle of a battlefield is not. In fact, if he somehow manages to trace that spell back to the caster, it constitutes as nothing short of suicide.

18. Harry Dresden is not real, and we cannot recruit him to join the Aurors, no matter how 'bad-ass' he is.

18 a. Nor can we recruit Dean and Sam Winchester.

18 b. Or the Terminator.

18 c. Or Jason Bourne.

19. As amusing as some of the various euphemisms for Voldemort's name are, such as Moldy-shorts, Moldy-Voldie, Old Snake-Face, and Michael Jackson, using them while in front of Death Eaters is not recommended.

20. Do not offer werewolves Midol and then tell them that it will help them with their 'time of the month'. You will be mauled.

21. Mad-Eye, please stop insisting that you know someone who blasted off one of their buttocks because they stuck their wand in their back pants pocket. We all know that you're lying, and you're scaring the new trainees.

22. Silencing charms are not to be used on the heads of Ministry departments, even if they are 'being annoying'. The same goes for members of the Wizengamot.

23. When visiting Azkaban, it is inappropriate to ask "So, where are the cute ones?" while surveying the prisoners.

24. Please do not enchant the training dummies to hit on people while practicing. It's disturbing enough to watch inanimate objects flirt with someone without some people actually responding.

25. Anyone caught peeping on their co-workers while in the opposite gender's locker rooms will be dealt with by the department head. Anyone caught peeping on their co-workers of the _same_ gender will have their punishment meted out by the wronged party.

26. You are not Buffy. Do not call yourself the Slayer while fighting vampires.

27. Sending Fenrir Greyback a gift basket consisting of squeaky chew toys and a shock collar does not constitute as 'negotiating a peace treaty'.

27 a. Nor does sending him a voucher for a free neuter session at the local veterinarian. (Please refer to rule #7)

27 b. Or sending him a 'Snipmaster 9000'.

28. 'Angelus, the Scourge of Europe' is not a real vampire. Please stop sending Howlers to Voldemort under that name. The other vampire clans are starting to get a little peeved.

29. Duct tape, while incredibly useful out in the field, is not to be used to bind and gag co-workers, no matter how annoying they may be. We've already received two complaints from the Ministry for finding both Fudge and Umbridge duct-taped to their chairs while in their respective offices.

30. Using nude pictures of Dolores Umbridge as a method of interrogation is not only unbelievably cruel, but downright foul as well. Do you realize just how many of us now have that God-awful sight seared into our retinas?!

* * *

This is my first foray into the Harry Potter world. Just some insane things that popped into my mind after reading 120 Things You Shouldn't Do At Hogwarts. I may do some little side stories that go with the rules later on.

I'm also open to suggestions for any more rules.


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